A Wild Ride

Dean Templeton was a crank Presidential candidate who played a bit role in the 1972 Democratic Convention as "a right-wing candidate for President on the promise to build a bridge from Alaska to Russia." From Asininity to Assassination is a non-fiction novel telling a version of his story. (The epigraph reads “All conversations in this book are historically accurate, but they are not necessarily the truth”).

The book recounts the last few months of Templeton's life, with scattered flashbacks. When the story begins in 1974, Templeton is in Eastern Oregon, down on his luck, rejected by his wife, and almost flat broke, but he'll still tell anyone willing to listen about his Presidential campaign. As the book proceeds, Templeton's unhappy life and grandiose, not-quite-certifiable populist crankiness are clearly portrayed, but he never breaks character and he never gives up.

Templeton speaks a language all his own, rather reminiscent of that of Einstein's soapmaker cousin Dr. Bronner¹, and the peculiarities of his language slop over into the author's narrative and even into the dialogue of some of the other characters. The author has worked as a technical writer, and Asininity is studded with obscure words and coinages, usually of scientific origin. In the first four pages, for example, either Templeton or the narrator uses the words patulous, macrostomia, podex, megaprosopous, insatispassional and grume, and throughout the book Templeton idiosyncratically uses the word verisimilitude to mean simply "right" or "OK".

A couple of passages:

"Who should be a Presidential candidate, Mr. Presidential Candidate?"

"River Rouge assembly workers, x-ray technicians, philanthropists...."

"A plash of people from all walks of life?"

Dean raised his dextral chiromegaly, palm out. "I'm not done cataloging who should be a Presidential candidate."

"Who else should be a Presidential candidate, Mr. Presidential Candidate?"

"Divines, garbage collectors, jurists, reformers, teachers, benefactors, clerks, diplomats."

"Pickle brine testers?"

Dean brought his supercilia to the bridge of his nasute nose. "Pickle brine testers? Do you think that pickle brine testers are worthy to be Presidential candidates?"
(p. 19)

"I'm not even scared of Abe Lincoln's ghost that lurks in the back room of the White House. When I'm President, I'm going to wrestle that ubiquitous spook." After a fifty-nine second minute of puzzling, Dean gained direct eye contact with Marion.

"How could the banker's house [in Oregon] be haunted if the banker's son committed suicide in the State of Washington?"

"It's an unexplained psychic phenomenon. Harold's spook got the chills living among the rafters so he caught a ride home on a broomstick, traveled back to Harold's boyhood home where it was more comfortable. It makes chills run up and down my spine just to think of it but I once knew an alcoholic who became a magician, who kept bringing back ninety-proof spirits....."
(pp. 14-15)

If ever there was a unique, unclassifiable book, this is it. (I suppose it counts as Americana). I originally even toyed with the idea that book was a prank by someone like Thomas Pynchon, and the Amazon reviewer also noted a Pynchonesque quality. But the book is unquestionably non-fiction -- I have been able to locate the author and a number of the characters in the book, and the book includes numerous photographs of the places where events occurred. At the same time, ghosts play a role in the plot, including Templeton's own ghost after he is murdered by enemies who he believes are working for the CIA.

From Asininity to Assassination is obviously a very special taste, both because of its topic and because of its style, but I'd hate to see it pass entirely from human memory. Copies can be found used, and hopefully a few people who like that kind of thing will buy and read them.

Note

1. A sample of Doctor Bronner: “Replace half truth, our real enemy, that age old hate with full truth, hard work, God's Law uniting mankind in All-One-God-Faith! Today, this whole wide world craves love-faith-courage united by the Moral ABC we stand!”

(Note: an earlier, erroneous version of this piece is here.)

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Original materials copyright John J Emerson

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